Monday, December 07, 2009

My Turn: You’ve Got to Stop and Smell the Urine, by Levi

Dad's web site is misleading. If you read what he writes about me, you get the impression that I do not like puppies. Of course I like puppies! I am not a monster.

Of course, when puppies are acting wrong, I do not like what they are doing, but I still like them. My motto, concerning puppies, is, "Love the sinner, hate the sin." 

Now that I have reached an age of maturity, my experience and accumulated wisdom can be offered to stupid puppies, so they can stop being stupid and begin their journey towards being good boys, like me. 

Teach these rules of life to puppies early, and they will stop being stupid and annoying sooner.

When you go for a walk, don't pull around crazily on your leash in every direction, puppy! Walk right! But don't forget to stop and smell the urine on the way. Often you'll find that your mom or dad doesn't understand the delight of a particularly piquant prior piss, (Levi loves alliteration!) and they will try to hurry you along. This is where you should expend your energy, in learning how to STOP, really stop, in a sudden and irrevocable manner, so you can take the time to really get to sniff your neighbors. This STOP might have to stop your mom or dad while they're jogging, so make sure you really know how to plant yourself like a tree. If you can pull your human off their feet, or make them swear at you, you know you're doing it right. And don't just STOP at the beginning of a walk. Mix it up. This is your time.

Regarding your peeing, three words: learn to pace yourself. If you are going on a walk, and you empty your bladder all at once, what's the point of even continuing? Here's a good rule of thumb. Figure you're going to need enough pee for about thirty squirts per mile, and never forget that the last pee, where you're just squeezing out three drops, is just as critical as that first pee, a comparative torrent. The person walking you might indicate some irritation at your frequent stops, as my dad does, but you know what? These are your excretory habits, and you need to be firm. I don't tell dad how to pee, nor do I permit him to tell me.

Another thing puppies need to know is to be sure to take advantage of opportunity, whenever opportunity comes your way. Nothing gnaws like regret, not even a bulldog with a knuckle bone. Do you remember July 11, 2004? I do. On July 11, 2004, I had the chance to get a pan of eggs and cheese that everyone had forgot about from the counter, and I did nothing! "I'll go check the other room and make sure no one's coming," I thought, and then something was going on in the backyard, and the next thing you know, I was outside with Rocky! When I got back in, someone had moved the pan! Some of you puppies may not have had eggs and cheese, but take it from me, they will change your life if you can ever get them. They are good, like meat, but they are not meat! I love them, and I could have had a whole pan of them of July 11, 2004, but I made the mistake of not realizing that the window of opportunity will not remain open forever.

Also, puppies, hold your ears right! Most puppies let their ears flop down. That is not right! Hold your ears up proud, like I do! If you do not learn to hold your ears up when you are a puppy, then you will grow up to be a floppy-eared dog! You do not want to be a floppy-eared dog, because floppy-eared dogs look stupid, and you do not want to look stupid and have floppy-ears! So hold your ears up, puppies (except if you see me! Then put them down, submissively, or I will beat you up!)!

I have learned many things in my life, and these paltry tips merely scratch the surface of advice I have for young dogs everywhere, but they are a start. I will continue to offer life advice to stupid puppies, so they will love me and be grateful for me like everyone should be!

One last thing. Puppies, about that tail chasing stuff. It makes you look retarded, so stop it! I mean it. If I catch any of you doing it, I'll bite your ears and make you bleed! I'll…

Editor's Note: This is where I had to stop the dictation session. Levi was becoming very agitated at the thought of puppies chasing their tails, so I suggested a late walk to get his mind off the image. For the record, I think it's pretty cute when puppies do that, but that's not an argument I'm willing to have with Levi again. As usual, the dogman expressly distances himself from all of Levi's stated opinions. 

© 2009, All Rights Reserved, Rich Sands


Raven said...

Levi, I always wondered why dogs peed so much on walks, thank you for clearing that up for me. :-)

tashabud said...

I'm with Raven. Oh, what a funny post. Thanks for the laughter again, Levi.

Kim said...

Thanks for the tip on "pacing." I wondered why I always came up dry on the 2nd and 3rd (4th, 5th, etc.) stops.


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