Monday, November 16, 2009

My Turn: NO-bama, by Levi

The current inhabitant of the White House must go. Ordinarily, I do my best to keep my political views to myself, but in this instance, the need to speak out, for my country, outweighs my normal habit of discretion. Though I've been a yellow dog democrat my whole life,  I repeat; Obama must go!

First, he's not even American. Being American is one of the requirements, right? Obama's not! It says so right on his birth certificate!

Second, Obama is an "elite." In these times, do we need an "elite" in the White House? As usual, that question was rhetorical, and, as usual, I'll answer anyway. No! The White House should be inhabited by a regular American, not by a foreign "elite," which is exactly what that Obama is!

Third, he's way too young for his position. I don't even think that's an assertion that can be debated.

Finally, there is the issue everyone skirts around whenever they discuss Obama; his color. He's black. I don't know about you, but all the blacks I've known have been stupid and lazy and mean and bad. There is no reason for us to have a black at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. It doesn't make sense. We non-blacks have to come together to restore the natural order to our country.

For the above-stated reasons, I hereby declare that Bo Obama should be impeached, and removed from the White House, in a van with cages in the back, preferably by men with long poles.

In support of my position I say:

Look at his papers! It says right on them, "Portuguese Water Dog." Where I come from, "Portuguese" is just another way of saying "foreign." And what the hell is a "water dog?" I'm a meat dog, and that's the only kind of dog there should be!

Speaking of papers: He has them! What's up with that? Bo Obama, that AKC registered, son-of-a-bitch, walks around like he's better than everyone! Well, you're not better than me, Bo Obama, no matter how many Secret Service goons you have to pick up your poop!

Bo Obama's youth and inexperience is a definite strike against him. He is a puppy! Puppies are stupid! I usually have to beat up puppies, just so they will stop being stupid! And now this stupid puppy is romping around the Rose Garden, which my taxes pay for? 

A smart dog should live in the White House, and if a puppy like Bo is going to be there, a smart dog, like my big brother, Arthur, better be there, too, to show the stupid puppy how to do things right, so he will grow up to be a good boy like me.

Then there's the color card, and I am going to play it. Black dogs are stupid and lazy and mean and bad. Everyone knows that. I don't know how many times I've heard that at the dog park, and if you hear something enough, it's true. 

So, if Bo Obama is a black dog (and he is), then he is stupid and lazy and mean and bad! Q.E.D. The President of the United States should not have a dog who is stupid and mean and lazy and bad. Therefore, Bo Obama should be taken away, in a van with cages in the back. 

If the president does not want to do this, then Bo Obama could be given a shot, like the one the vet gave Arthur, when he was limping, and then get taken away in a black, plastic, bag. One way or the other, though, Bo must go!

Dad says I'm intolerant and irrational about black dogs, and says that they're not stupid and lazy and bad and mean. He said Vinnie was a very nice dog. Maybe, but I've heard stories about him, and he doesn't sound smart. So, maybe, black dogs are just stupid or lazy or bad or mean. Either way, it is manifestly evident that Bo Obama must be forcibly removed from office by men with long poles! With extreme prejudice!

"But, Levi," I hear some of you stupid readers saying, "Bo isn't all black. He has a white chest and white front paws." If you say that, you're stupid, because having some white in you does not make you not a black dog, does it, stupid? Even a stupid black dog would know that. If someone drops white ice cream on a black floor, when I'm done licking up the ice cream, the floor is still black. 

A black dog isn't fit to live in the White House, and having some white in him doesn't change that. It's not like he's a white dog with some black in him. That would be a totally different story.

So, in conclusion, I have proven that Bo Obama is a bad boy, and he must be removed from office. He is foreign, and "elite", and a puppy, and a black dog. He should be replaced by an American dog, finely blended from different breeds, like myself. I'm set with dad, but there are other good dogs, besides me. Yellow dogs, brown dogs, white dogs! Tri-color dogs of all stripe and spot! Mr. President, the good dogs of America will be glad to chase your tennis balls! Just get rid of that Bo!

If I ever meet Bo Obama, I will beat him up and make his ear bleed! Then, when someone asks, "What's black and white and red all over," the best answer will be, "Bo Obama." And everyone will rejoice with laughter, because Levi has made a good joke!

Editor's Note: First off, I want it known that I don't endorse any of Levi's views, nor do I know where he gets a lot of his ideas from. As is my habit, I offered to edit this for Levi, removing certain things, like saying his taxes pay for the Rose Garden. Levi is a dog. Of course, he doesn't pay taxes, but when reminded of this, he says he won't pay taxes because he has no representation. 
I also tried to explain to him that before he could possibly beat up Bo Obama, he would be shot down, like the proverbial mad dog, but Levi still insists he wants to fight the president's puppy. 
A number of other instances of wrong-headed thinking were pointed out to Levi prior to this posting, but he insisted that not a word be changed. I strongly urged him not to call the readers stupid, as this might be offensive to some of them. "Yes," he said, "The stupid ones." So, please, be sure any comments or reactions are directed to Levi, not me. 
For the record, I am an enormous supporter of President Barack Obama, and wish him, his family, and, especially, Bo, nothing but the best. R.S.

For more of Levi's views, see last week's editorial, "Those People at the Door." Levi has informed me that his "My Turn" pieces are the only thing worth reading on this entire site, and he has demanded a weekly column. I've agreed, so next Monday, and every Monday, check back for another steaming pile of Levi's thoughts and opinions.

© 2009, All Rights Reserved, Rich Sands


52 Faces said...

This is hilarious.

Thanks for the advert! It's always a pleasure to find an ACTUAL and entertaining blog through the crap on entrecard!

Ori said...

this is an insult to my late dog, Zippo!!
-He was the most handsome dog, he had similar look to the late Buddy Clinton.
-He's genius (I tried on him the IQ test for dogs from Reader Digest, and the result he's the top dog with only less than 5% of dogs in world has that IQ number)
-He's the most fragrant dog I've ever met!!Mostly he smelt warm chocolate, but when he drunk milk he smelt milk, even when he forgot to have a shower.
-He understood right or left and of course right or wrong.
-He had good taste on ice cream, he knew brand, he loved Haagen Dazs and could distinguished it

Oh, I would write a blog here if I continue the quality of Zippo.

Most of all Zippo was a BLACK dog!!
Naughty annoying Levi!!

Rich Sands said...

Ori, Zippo sounds great. My late boy, Vinnie, the black lab, was great (and not near as dumb as the stories have made Levi believe) and Levi's own aunt, Lolita, was jet black, brilliant, and beautiful. I don't think Levi thinks through all the implications of his words.
On the bright side, he has something less than zero influence over the happenings of this world, so that's a good thing.
I told him he got a response from someone who had had a black dog, and I'm afraid I'm unable to write his reply in this forum.

Victor Tabbycat said...

What did Levi think of Socks Clinton?
Has he read about the French president's trouble with his wife's dog? The dog had to be retired to the country for biting Jacque Chiraque (sp)!
Purrs, Victor

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