Monday, November 09, 2009

My Turn: Those People at the Door, by Levi

                                                      Those People at the Door Must Go

by Levi

Of all the things that bother me in today's increasingly hectic world, I'd have to say the number one irritant remains those people at the door. Even after years of training myself in the practice of Tantrayana Meditation, learning to accept all that comes my way with equanimity and dispassion, I still cannot help but find those people at the door to be far more provocative than even my tolerant ways can endure. Therefore, I propose something be done about those people at the door.

First off, those people at the door make me angry. Really angry. Exactly what are they doing on the other side of the door? I know everyone on this side of the door is alright, but I don't know anything about the people at the door. I can only assume there's something seriously wrong with them, for, if there wasn't, wouldn't they already be on this side of the door? Though that was a rhetorical question, I shall nevertheless answer with a resounding, "Yes!"

Allow me to list some of the people who are on the other side of the door: Osama bin Laden, Michael Vick, and the Fed Ex man. That's three off the top of my head. Need I go further? Whenever the doorbell rings, or I even imagine that those people might be at the door, my concerns about what dangers are lurking on the other side, cause me such great excitation that, I fear, I cannot remain silent or still. I will bark, and get Rocky to bark, too, until we have run off those people at the door.

It has been suggested to me that, if I didn't bark and run around crazily whenever those people were at the door, then maybe I would be in a better position to calmly ascertain whether those particular people at the door are a danger. The cogency of this strategy may seem unassailable; identify first, and then sound the alarm, if necessary, but I fear I'm beyond learning new tricks at my age. Deep in my heart, I know about those people at the door. I know they're bad news, and that I need to chase them away, as quickly as possible.

Erica never seems concerned about those people at the door. She just sits there. I know, what's a cat supposed to do, they can't bark loud like a dog, right? I understand that reality, but I still find her serenity, her absolute indifference to the awful possibilities brought by those people at the door, galling. I suspect she would run and hide rather than participate in the vigorous attack I am preparing for those people at the door! I hate those people at the door more than I do the vacuum cleaner and coat rack combined!

I will tear those people at the door apart! I will bite their soft parts until they bleed! Those people at the door are going to be sorry they incited the wrath of Levi!

Dad better hold me back, or those people at the door are dead! Do you hear me? Dead!!

Grandma will open the door. Poor grandma. They'll get her first, and that idiot dad will stop me from being able to save, or at least, avenge, grandmother's death! Damn him and damn them all!

Wait a minute. It's Shannon and Dianne at the door!

I've never been so happy! Can you believe it?! Shannon and Diane are here! I've got to sniff them everywhere before I die of delight! Those people at the door are my cousin and my aunt! Never before has simple misapprehension been quite so sweet!

So, in summary, I hate those people at the door, unless they're Shannon and Dianne. It is obvious something drastic needs to be done to curtail those people at the door, probably at the federal level. But, until a national solution is found, you can bet I'll really hate those people at the door. Unless they're Shannon and Dianne.

(Editors note: Levi was reminded that, in almost every instance, he likes those people at the door, and that visits by people he likes, such as Shannon and Dianne, are far more frequent than visits from nefarious figures like Osama bin Laden or Michael Vick, who rarely come by. I offered to help him amend this article so it made some more internal sense, but Levi began whining about editorial interference and the first amendment, so I'm posting this as he wrote it. I didn't point out that there was no first amendment issue whatsoever involved here. That's an argument I've had with Levi too many times, and it never plays out well.)

© 2009, All Rights Reserved, Rich Sands


Daisy said...

I am very, very scairted of what might be on the other side of the door. When the doorbell rings, I run upstairs and hide under the bed. But sometimes, the man in the brown uniform brings me presents, so I guess it is not all bad.

Raven said...

Levi, I envy you. I wish I could bark at the people that come to my door! Bin Laden has never come a knocking, but I have a very annoying neighbor that I'd love to bark at until she runs away in fear!

Thanks for the editor's note, I appreciate the clarification. ;-)

Anonymous said...

That's hilarious!!

Jaya said...

I agree with Levi. The people on the other side of the door are bad news. I disapprove of anyone coming to my door unless they are bringing gifts.

So I'm generally OK with the UPS & FedEx delivery people. And once my pal Kim came and brought a plate piled with Thanksgiving leftovers, and another time she brought birthday flowers, so in both instances she was forgiven for approaching the door. But that's it. Well, then there was that small neighborhood boy with the big glasses who came and said he didn't have anyone to play with. He was almost forgiven because he was so cute. But no. Really only the UPS & FedEx delivery people, and Kim, have been approved to come anywhere near my front door.

Poetic Shutterbug said...

I agree and in turn ask isn't that why we have phones? So that people who would inevitably come out our door could call us first letting us know that they are alright to be at the door. As a result, Fed Ex etc... would not have our number so they would not be let in should they find our door.

I need to learn how to bark.

who wouda thunk it?? said...

what about the pizza man ????

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